Your mouth is God's brothel.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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