The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
