I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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