From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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