I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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