I only kidnapped one of them. chill
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
