we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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