i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
