I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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