The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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