New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The adults are the big ones right?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
