just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
