I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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