I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
