grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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