you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
