I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
