Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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