No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
