I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
