i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
