my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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