Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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