i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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