I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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