Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
