i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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