no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
