About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
