just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
