Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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