he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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