based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize