I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
