I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
