1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to align my fucking chakras
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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