i permit you to call me
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
