I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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