Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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