____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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