Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
