headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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