I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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