I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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