I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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