I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
my liver is dry heaving
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
