he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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