tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i think my cat just said my name.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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