so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
