I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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