I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
