what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
