Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
