Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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