her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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