i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
