omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
