1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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