matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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