now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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