I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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